The Divine Alchemy and the Profound Silence

Category: Short Story

Crisis provides the much needed break for introspection. An universal fact indeed. Have you ever experienced that you have hit the bottom's bottom and there is nothing more to scratch below ? Perplexing yet a tranquil state of realization that there is nothing more to lose. It is comforting to come to terms with reality that we come into existence with this state of having nothing to lose but the body itself. I can only wonder and laugh at myself and my philosophical muses. I wonder if all this evolution is just an observation. A transient state of mind as situations and people around you change. A mere simple reflection of the change in society around you, change in attitude around you, a tragic result of imbalance around you. And it is at this juncture, the man is free from duty to serve the society and intensely research on self, morality, love, guilt, society and truth.

I wonder what is morality? I never could get a grasp of it. If it is different for different people, then why is it essential to uphold it? Funny, yet all those questions have been thronging my skull for quite some time. There is generally a reason behind such intense philosophical inquiries. I tend to think that those are imperatives ingrained by nature in the conscious mind of living organisms. A lion doesn't feel guilty for killing a calf as it is how it survives. So, does that mean that survival is a basic right and any act that justifies it can be moral ?  In the same way, I also doubt if a lion would ever feel guilty for doing something. But, for sure I know that a man feels guilty when he goes against his moral imperatives. These moral imperatives are not subjective rather instinctive. Or, I doubt if all this moral imperatives are forced on the human mind by reading the myths and philosophies of the earlier generation. If that is so, what caused guilt in those people who wrote that myths and philosophies ?

Essentially, we choose a path of philosophy which we sympathize with, which we feel is appropriate and such a decision is made only with directions and reasons from your inner self and your own moral imperatives. Once,  some of my classmates were asked to kneel down by my language teacher and she was asking for a wooden scale to teach them a rough lesson. Not that I hated my class mates, but I felt what they did was wrong and they deserved punishment. I brought two wooden scales as I knew that the scale is bound to break. It did. I was later made an outcast and always dealt with suspicion by my class mates. I felt a little awkward initially but slowly got accustomed to being alone. May be I deserved freedom, if I can say so. I didn't bother much about losing contact with my class mates but I did ponder over and over as to why I felt that they deserved punishment. I could never convince myself with my reason. I liked them all and I hoped they would be better after being strictly dealt with. I felt what I did was moral yet I was not at peace. Until I met a class mate years later and he confessed that the punishment helped him get over the habit of copying in exams. Though I felt peaceful listening to that, I could still never understand why is it wrong to copy in an exam? But, my imperatives do say that it is wrong. I came to conclude that such common moral imperatives become the law of the land though there is no strong reason for such directions originating from conscious mind, so to say.

Once, I was trekking in the western ghats. After a long and tiring trek, I reached the base where I decided to stay for a couple of days by the river side flowing downstream. There were few huts of farmers who were employed in agriculture in the land around. The sense of exploration derived out of trekking is inexplicable. It gives me a sense of freedom to see nature and beauty as is. The state of being absolutely free from thought and any kind of commitment in the country side relieves me of the enslaved civilized society in the cities. The mind opens up to observe, understand and accept things as they are.

As I was sitting by the river side, I saw the river raising from the mountains high above, flowing down making a path of its own, gracing the boundaries. While all man made entities act as a barrier to the flow of the river, it is the natural surroundings that allow it to be shaped and touched by the river as it wishes. I was sitting at the steps carefully constructed to help us take bath and fetch water in the river. While that is certainly comfortable, but the very steps act as a barrier to the river's will to shape it's boundaries. I sat there observing the drama. The way the waves in the river jumped over each other playfully, the birds flying here and there in search of food, Men who come and go, Logs that move around in the river's surface as if there is nothing more for it to do, Fishes jumping out of the water occasionally to grab it's food, mystical rainbows, little drops of rain with a gentle breeze and every thing that my human eye to could see, ears to hear and my mind could observe. I did not process the memory and explain the events rationally because for sure I know that this experience of stateless observation has a transcendental origin.

Until, I saw this brown coated white cat. As if a string is pulled, my brain dumped me with memories of days I spent with a terrific friend of mine. Indeed, terrific days with a terrific friend. What is that you call some one who could make every moment happening in your life? What is that you would say about the person if they bring back your dead spirit alive? A magician would be the apt word. The magic happened to me but for once, I was not fooled. The magic was real. The transformation was real. As I thought that all is well, one fine day, my friend disappeared leaving behind a little lovely  brown coated white kitten to keep company with me. Nowhere to be found and no where I could go and find. Just like that vanished into thin air.

Just when I thought I have understood some one, I felt blown away by the unexpected disappearance. I did miss the company for a while but I kept on moving from one place to other to avoid those haunting of beautiful memories. The more I think about what could have gone wrong, I ended up realizing that it was the not the event that was haunting me but the memory that was. The memory of the past and possibility of failed relationship. The fear of uncertainty keeps us chasing all along. The pain of separation was real but in a way the suffering was absent. Rather I relished in profound silence contemplating on the pervading instability of human mind. It kept me occupied for a while.  

Things change. Shit happens. Job happens too. I was in a blissful state of being unemployed for a while and I was convinced hard to take up a job that came my way. I did fare well decently. But, slowly success and money got to me. It was addictive. Society demands that. Like a monkey which obeys the doctor for an apple, I kept doing what my bosses wanted me to do. The repetition slowly was boring and felt there was something fundamentally wrong with my life. A sense of shallowness caught on. I had everything that a life would want but just that liveliness was missing. Action was missing. What is that I wanted to achieve in my life? I didn't know. I felt a little shaken. Honestly, I was not sure but I tend to think I felt guilty. Guilty of not utilizing my potential to achieve some thing.

I saw around me, a world buzzing with activity, with friends succeeding in every aspect of their lives and here I was losing my life to a lost cause and a cause that is still not clear to myself. Driven out of guilt, the restlessness was evidently seen in my every single action. No more I felt the need to appease my bosses for I first have to appease myself to continue with my life. It looks silly but yes, I was into a deeply driven crisis right from the bottom of my heart. I traveled a lot during my week ends and almost tried doing everything from smoking marijuana and dancing like Lord Shiva to Climbing hill tops and meditating on a peaceful way out. I continued with reckless travel and thought up until the point, I earned the courage to drop my existential knowledge obtained in so far by experience. Experience as it appears to be the summary of the past was no more useful for making decisions of the present. It gave me the courage to accept that there is indeed a problem and each and every problem is unique in its context. Every step forward from there was taken based on faith that having disconnected myself from the past, all I had to look forward was a life with full of hope and full of new options and dimensions.


Looking back, I envisioned myself to be a man of strong aspirations and perseverance. Though I continue to see myself the very same way now, I cannot help but notice that my direction and objectives have changed. The whole process of life, the divine alchemy has acted on me and indeed very well. Having gone through the ebbs and flows, I have emerged calmer and cleaner than before. At least, I hope so. Though I didn't intend to be this person, I have come to terms with the forces of nature and convinced myself  to transform myself with divine alchemy and profound silence. Yes, It is with profound silence with in and with out that I seek to move forward. The journey continues as it should flow.